i always needed a friend with whom I wanted to share whatever is going through my mind. I wanted someone who judges me without any prefixed notations, without being 'Judgemental'..i mean.In front of whom I don't have to pretend. I dont need to show up to live upto their expectations or to display my wealth or beauty or to show how much salary my husband draws..or do unnecessary things just to make my 'status'. I always wanted a friend with whom I can be myself.Well it does not mean that my life is void of friends. I do have a bunch of jolly, enjoying, caring bunch of people whom I call my friends but again not the kind that I am talking about.Soul-sister/soul-brother kind.We humans are always confused and need guidance throughout our lives. We need somebdy to talk to and vent out our emotions-both good and bad.just think you have just topped in UPSC exams and have no friends who come running after you for a treat. Or Imagine not being able to talk to somebody about the new dress you checked out at a nearby fashion store.Or going to a movie alone..laughing alone..or sipping coffee in CCD..that too alone!! Its hard to imagine life without friends..Now friends need not be found in college or school or office. There can be some relationships that turn into 'friendship'..sayy our favorite cousin could be your best friend..or your chaachi...or bhai..or even your husband.well..well..well I am not trying to repeat what our greeting card companies do on friendship's day..defining friends, friendship..its importance..its relevance..blah blah blah.
In a nutshell, i want to say that I always wanted to have a confidante. par kya karoon baatein to bahut hai karne ko..uljhane to bahut hai zindagi mein..lekin koi aisa nahi hai jisko sab kuch bata sakoon.I dont know why but i feel hesitant talking to them about my personal issue. i know they are sensitive towards me but still i feel ki wo kya sochegi..ye kya kahega..all rubbish takes home in my brain.I want to maintain my repo (fake though) in front of them.
it is not that i have never tried to talking to them but something within myself, restraints me from talking to them very openly.But i know i have a group of good people with me. once i had a phase in my life when i had to discuss things with somebody otherwise i would have gone insane..mad. At that point my friends stepped forward for me and helped me raise from the quicksand of troubles.
I know they will be ready to help me at any point of time but I am still hesitant to discuss my issues with them. So i have a flaw in my personality that is 'not-being-able-to-openup-with-people-i-know'. but what can be done.cant help it. But now i have my own venting machine with me.My blog where i can potray hundrerds of my thought..desires..feeling without any fear of being judged.
Anyway I know I am in a place where nobody knows me..and trust me knowing this brings a smile on my face.i dont want to fake anything. I have to repo to live to. No plastic smiles & expressions on my face. No sweet-talking. Non-weighed words can tumble down my mouth (err..fingers).
I know that I am 'myself' here.
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