I want to be myself..pls help me

i always needed a friend with whom I wanted to share whatever is going through my mind. I wanted someone who judges me without any prefixed notations, without being 'Judgemental'..i mean.In front of whom I don't have to pretend. I dont need to show up to live upto their expectations or to display my wealth or beauty or to show how much salary my husband draws..or do unnecessary things just to make my 'status'. I always wanted a friend with whom I can be myself.Well it does not mean that my life is void of friends. I do have a bunch of jolly, enjoying, caring bunch of people whom I call my friends but again not the kind that I am talking about.Soul-sister/soul-brother kind.We humans are always confused and need guidance throughout our lives. We need somebdy to talk to and vent out our emotions-both good and bad.just think you have just topped in UPSC exams and have no friends who come running after you for a treat. Or Imagine not being able to talk to somebody about the new dress you checked out at a nearby fashion store.Or going to a movie alone..laughing alone..or sipping coffee in CCD..that too alone!! Its hard to imagine life without friends..Now friends need not be found in college or school or office. There can be some relationships that turn into 'friendship'..sayy our favorite cousin could be your best friend..or your chaachi...or bhai..or even your husband.well..well..well I am not trying to repeat what our greeting card companies do on friendship's day..defining friends, friendship..its importance..its relevance..blah blah blah.
In a nutshell, i want to say that I always wanted to have a confidante. par kya karoon baatein to bahut hai karne ko..uljhane to bahut hai zindagi mein..lekin koi aisa nahi hai jisko sab kuch bata sakoon.I dont know why but i feel hesitant talking to them about my personal issue. i know they are sensitive towards me but still i feel ki wo kya sochegi..ye kya kahega..all rubbish takes home in my brain.I want to maintain my repo (fake though) in front of them.
it is not that i have never tried to talking to them but something within myself, restraints me from talking to them very openly.But i know i have a group of good people with me. once i had a phase in my life when i had to discuss things with somebody otherwise i would have gone insane..mad. At that point my friends stepped forward for me and helped me raise from the quicksand of troubles.
I know they will be ready to help me at any point of time but I am still hesitant to discuss my issues with them. So i have a flaw in my personality that is 'not-being-able-to-openup-with-people-i-know'. but what can be done.cant help it. But now i have my own venting machine with me.My blog where i can potray hundrerds of my thought..desires..feeling without any fear of being judged.
Anyway I know I am in a place where nobody knows me..and trust me knowing this brings a smile on my face.i dont want to fake anything. I have to repo to live to. No plastic smiles & expressions on my face. No sweet-talking. Non-weighed words can tumble down my mouth (err..fingers).
I know that I am 'myself' here.

what will be will be

Every morning i wake up with the thought of resigning from my job. It is not that i am not happy with my job but it is just that my workplace is a little far off from the place where i put up.Agar yahi job mere ghar ke peeche hota to kabhi bhi mera resign karne ka mood nahi banta.The second reason is that I have to wake up early (now that is necessary if you want to do a 9-6 job).third reason is that i want to get into something more creative.further there are several issues related to my job that really force me to think about resigning. well, that's another story will discuss it some other day.I am a person who loves doing craft. I have spent days together creating something new. Paintings, papier mache, origami, ceramics, flowers etc etc. Lately, I have been thinking that i will put up a stall of all the handmade items in the diwali fair at my office.but then again I am a little hesitant about it. The reason is my unsureity that whether some body will support me in this or not. Are people going to laugh at it. Society..ufff..we are so concerened about our neighbours/colleagues/distant relatives that we waste so much time thinking about them (ki ye kya sochega..wo kya kahega....) and not doing what would have actually make us and our dear ones happy. Further, I am also doing MBA so I will have to take exams also. I want to finish my MBA in the year 2009 itself. nahi to marksheet par 2010 ka stamp lag jayega means 3 years of MBA. but isme bhi to problem hai ki padhne ka mann nahi karta. office ke baad ghar jao khana banao..TV dekho so jao. Seeing me crib every day about the company's mismanaged transport, my husband had even suggested that I quit the job and relax at home.
I have a lot of things running through my mind. I am unable to decide on one. At one side I want to quit my job while on the other side I feel that quitting my job would snatch away my financial Independence. I will rot in the home everyday . i will have no reasons for buying new clothes, footwear. Taiyaar ho kar bahar jaane ka mauka bhi kabhi kabhi hi milega. I will not be updated of what's happening around me. No gossips, No friends, No group lunch. Nobody to compliment me for my new shoes. No praises for good job. I fear losing my sense of fashion. The reasons are endless.

i am fond of shopping (now being a girl who isn't). I love buying clothes,jewellery pieces and things that will make my home more beautiful.

I am always thinking of the ways that will beautify my home. I am always making new things for my home. I love buying things for my house. But as for the jewellery & clothes are concerned I might buy them but I dont why but i always regret buying them, later. Baad mein, I always think ki itne kapde already hai pata nahi maine maye kyo le liye.yaar ye artificial jewellery bhi original lagti hai pata nahi maine itne paise real gold/diamonds lene mein kyo phoonk diye. Similiar things keep hitting my mind and push me into a river of confusion & regret. Anyways human brains tend to forget things over time.Itne pachtaane ke baad kuch dino baad kuch bhi yaad nahi rehta and I am stuck in this vicious cycle of buying-regreting-forgetting-buying again.

kitna ajeeb hai na ki kabhi kabhi hum apne aap ko bhi nahi samajh paate..but well that is life and we have no other choice.

So when I say saoking in this life I mean I am still trying to understand my own self. I am still undergoing the phenomenon of self-discovery and exploring my relationship to this world. Trying to absorb the fact that each one of us is just a single grain within the heap of millions.

what prompted me to start this blog is the fact that I have always been confused throughout my life.I might start things with much enthusuiasm but like the way leaves fall from the branches in autumn my enthusiam also suffers a silent death by the time its autumn arrives.
sometimes I feel that as a human being we are never given anytime to evolve.we are never allowed to think and act in the way we want to. we are always busy thinking for others. infact we live for others. we have somebody who is constantly guinding us rather pushing us to follow them.

Our parents, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, chaiwala, dhoodhwala, sabziwala, every tom dick & harry is giving us their valuable suggestions on the ways to improve our life.Aisa karo tum doctor ban jao bahut respectful job hai....navy officer dude..uniform ki to shaan hi alag hai..girls die on it..graduation finish hote hi hum to iski shaadi kar denge..your father has such a huge business fir kyon tu ye dus hazaar ki naukri mein apna time waste kar raha hai..tu business dekh na...ye bada hokar apne maan baap ka namm roshan karega..shaadi ko 3 saal ho gaye ab to family badhane ka socho..naak mein ghee daalne se swine flu nahi hoga..I guess you should apply red lipstick, that will definitly suit you..aisa karo......aisa mat karo....etc etc..hufff..i am tired of this endless list.
I AM CONFUSED.i have forgotton the way my brain use to work because I have been using the way society thinks for me. I have rusted my brain. even if the god decides to take away his precious 'thinking ability'from me, i guess I can survive in this world because I never used my own so called thinking ability.

Now the big question? Isme naya kya hai..ye to jag ki reet hai. hum kya kar sakte hai.Man is a social element, so to live in the society we will have to do things that please others.Aur waise bhi koi kuch accha batata hai to sunne mein kya buraai hai?
well dont confuse me with an 'anti-social' element. I too respect the world we live in. I do like the people we live with. I have been brought up in a cultured society that demands us to adhere totheir own rules and regulations. but there's something in me that forces we to lay back and think.Think about the way I have always lived my life since past 25 something years ..and the way I would want to live my life for the next say 25 years..

so when i say soaking in (as do the title of my blog), i mean I am still trying to adjust to the waysof this world. Dont call me a rebel, i am not a one, better call me an 'explorer' I will be happy tohear that.